Thanks for the feedback

Theme: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Taking feedback is hard. Giving feedback is no less easy either.

Summary

Triggers

The three emotional responses to feedback are:

Truth triggers: is the gut reaction that you have when you feel/believe that the content of the feedback isn't true.
Relationship triggers: have to do with the relationship you have with the feedback giver. The feedback is colored by what you believe about the giver or how you feel treated by the given or by the relationship you have between you.
Identity triggers: hit at your sense of who you are, and they challenge it.

Ramping up your awareness of how you respond to feedback is the first step. Your goal would be to engage skillfully in the conversation. These triggers are obstacles that get in your way.

Feedback

Different types of feedback are categorized as:

Coaching: purpose is to help someone learn, grow or change.
Evaluation: involves some sort of assessment or ranking.
Appreciation: involves appreciating you.

For example, you may be ready for coaching, but all you're getting is evaluation. Triggers help you identify why you're responding in a way that you are. It also helps you identify what you're not getting that you need.

Mirrors

Having a healthy balance on these types of feedbacks can be achieved by using mirrors. The type of mirror, the feedback giver, might hold up.

Supportive mirror: has a tone of encouragement and support.
Honest mirror: encourages the giver to describe the situation exactly as they see it.

Both of these mirrors are useful. As a receiver, sometimes you may need one more than the other. However, as a giver, it may be hard for them to use the honest mirror, where giving them permission to do so may help.

Blind spots are when your understanding of the situation has gaps from how the giver understands the same. Some of the blind spot amplifiers are:

Impact vs Intent: We tend to judge ourselves based on our intentions, while others judge us by impact. Both are relevant and important, but they are separate things. Make sure to talk about each individually.
Switch tracking: is when one person in the conversation intentionally or unintentionally veers off in a new direction. Make sure to maintain a high-level perspective of the conversation. Notice when it starts to veer off in new a new direction, then use sign posting to bring the conversation back and focus on first topic first.

In terms of your well-being, it is helpful to identify how you respond on positive feedbacks as well as negative feedbacks. Bringing this up to your relationships can help them understand you better.

Emotional Acre

You can't let every single person in your emotional life and allow them to do whatever they want. Everyone is born with an "emotional-acre", and you get to choose who to let in. You can set boundaries around that space.

Setting limits on feedback you get is crucial to your own well-being as well as of the relationship.

Example of what the boundary sounds like:

I may not take your advice
I don't want feedback about that subject, right now
Stop, or I'm going to leave this relationship

In the process you have opportunity to show appreciation for the feedback giver, and being firm in the boundary you set. - "I appreciate your concern, and I am choosing to do it this way..."

References

Author: Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen
Amazon link